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To West Leigh for Havant & Waterlooville Ladies v Salisbury City. I'd thought of ringing Lisa this morning to check the game was still on, but decided that wouldn't be necessary. After all, it was the first day of the league season. Matches are never postponed on the first day, are they?

All seemed well; while one of the bars had the lights switched off and wasn't serving, all the girls were sitting in there in the dark - Sabrina, Jenna D and Jade said hello to me - and Rob, and Steve the kit man, were there. But as soon as I saw Rob he said "You know the game's off, don't you?"

Welcome back to fucking British women's football. Rob explained that Salisbury had called the match off on Friday as they'd had a player break an ankle last week and didn't fancy taking us on without her, so had claimed they had several unfit players and couldn't raise a team. (And it wasn't the first day of the league season - that was last week, while we were engaged in Cup action.) Rob added bitterly that the league had fined Salisbury £20. I said I thought either they should have had points deducted or the match been awarded to Havant, a view that found several sympathisers. Rob said that today they'd be having a practice game between last week's starting 11 and the rest of the squad.

While I now wished I'd phoned Lisa this morning, and stayed at home to watch the repeat of The X Factor, having hauled my arse all the way to Havant I figured I might as well stay and watch the practice kick-about rather than just turn straight for home. In any case, if I stayed it'd confirm my True Fan credentials. Just before the game I met Lisa; she apologised for my not having been told about the postponement, but said no-one had had my number. I promptly gave her it.

Trevor was in the stand; he said the league had the power to impose points deductions in these situations, but that they had a policy of not doing so before Christmas. I sat and watched a completely meaningless game unfold, that only came to life after half-time. The Rest opened the scoring, but the first-choice XI soon took command and ran out 3-1 winners. The Rest had a rather unladylike keeper; as soon as she he opened her his mouth the truth was confirmed - it was a bloke called Olly.

At the final whistle, although the game hadn't been a draw, the club volunteer who was refereeing called for a penalty shoot-out. I thought it was unfair that Olly was allowed to remain in goal for The Rest; I thought both sides' kickers should have shot at Louise, although people might have argued that the first-choicers had just put three past Olly in open play. Nonetheless, he was the hero of the shoot-out, saving twice. The Rest didn't miss any, so when they scored their fourth penalty that should have ended the shoot-out, but they carried on until each side had taken five each anyway. That to me summed up the utterly wasted afternoon perfectly.

I said my goodbyes - everyone was looking forward to next week's FA Cup tie at Newbury, but I have to go to Fareham Civic Service with Madam Mayor - and slunk back to the station.

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The Man Who Loves Laura Bassett

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