Sep. 17th, 2006

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Yesterday was Mayor's Day at the town bowls club. In the morning, and on the drive there, my mother was insistent that they'd ask us to play a whole game. I argued that they wouldn't subject us non-bowls players to the humiliation of having to take on people who play every week; I was fairly confident that would be the case, but was overwhelmingly relieved when I was right and all we had to do was join in a 'spider', where everyone bowls one wood at a jack at the same time and the nearest wins a bottle of wine.

The President, Den, and the Ladies' President, Hazel, who were husband and wife, kept us company for the day and kept us supplied with drinks (they served Marston's Pedigree behind the bar. Free Pedigree - civic functions don't get better than this), coffee and biscuits. They told us all about their bowls, how it was a friendly club with the accent on playing for recreation, how they play year round - this weekend's the end of the outdoor season, but from next week they'll be playing at an indoor club all winter - and told us a bit about their lives, including Den's time as a cook in the Navy.

We had a raffle - ingeniously, the club have laminated one set of strips of tickets and use them over and over again, with an electronic random number generator to do the draw. My mother and I bought six strips each, but didn't win a bean. Den won two prizes, a bottle of champagne and a bottle of Liebfraumilch, then at the end of the draw he insisted on giving my mother the champers, much to her embarrassment. Then Hazel presented her with a cheque for the Mayor's Charities. After that a lady brought us round cups of tea/coffee and a plate of four Echo biscuits and four huge chocolate marshmallows. I took one of each; Hazel had had one chocolate marshmallow, while no-one else had had anything, when she offered to 'get some different biscuits if we didn't like these'. I told her I hadn't wanted them to go without, but she said she and Den didn't want any and to help ourselves. My mother didn't want one either, so as we all talked over the next half-hour I finished the lot.

Then we went outside to watch some bowls. Den and Hazel roamed up and down watching all the games but took the odd bit of time out to talk to us; during the afternoon they asked each of us whether we'd consider taking up the game!

In the evening we went up to Basingstoke for Tony's Mayor's Charity Concert. Peter, the driver, had the Sat Nav on; he and I agreed again on how pleasant we find its female voice, and we promptly christened her Sally, which became a running gag all through the drives there and back. Before the concert we civic dignitaries were received by Tony and Margaret in a little room with a table full of smart nibbles like mini jacket spuds (tuna mayo; chicken, garlic and mayo; sour cream and caviar), bits of melon wrapped in Parma ham, and fresh fruit skewers. We met a few of the usual chain gang plus a couple we hadn't met before. Richard saw me reaching for my third sour cream and caviar mini jacket and labelled me, together with Margaret who was trying one, 'decadent'.

Richard hadn't been able to find a guest for the night so there was a space between him and my mother, who promptly asked if we should all move up one to close the gap. She said that so many times it got irritating, till in the end Tony explained that he had to sit at the very end of the row, so there'd have to be a space somewhere.

The show was titled 'Happy Birthday, Ma'am' and was billed as a celebration of the Queen's 80th birthday, with the backdrop showing pics of her over the 80 years, interspersed with British events of that time. During the first half, the compere made a running joke during his links of how Lizzie was due to attend, but had been held up in traffic, then eventually he pretended to take a phone call saying she wouldn't be coming as Philip had forgotten to set the video for The X Factor so they'd headed for Windsor to watch it. The acts were all Basingstoke's local talent, from their Men's and Ladies' Choirs and the town's dance academy to their gang show troupe. They gave us musical numbers and dance routines, and all in all it was a damn fine evening.

Switched my phone on coming out of the auditorium to find a text from Daniel. He said he needed some inspiration for this long poem he wants to write in the sand on Cowes beach, and asked me why the tide didn't turn back when King Canute ordered it to. While I know the true story - he did it to prove some arse-licking courtiers wrong - I went for something that would appeal to Daniel's sense of humour. I remembered, when I was a kid, reading in a joke book printed by KP Nuts, a cartoon of Canute failing to turn the tide back saying "Look! I can't even keep the salt water out of my peanuts!" But thus was born the salted peanut, so Canute was hailed as a genius... Dan loved that, as I knew he would.

Back to the Mayoral car to be guided home by Sally, then watched a documentary about Shane MacGowan on BBC4. It was the one first showed in 1997, but it really annoyed me that they cut out Kirsty MacColl talking about him, presumably to make it look like a new programme. Made it through most of ITV2's repeat of X Factor, but fell asleep 10 minutes from the end.
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To West Leigh for Havant & Waterlooville Ladies v Salisbury City. I'd thought of ringing Lisa this morning to check the game was still on, but decided that wouldn't be necessary. After all, it was the first day of the league season. Matches are never postponed on the first day, are they?

All seemed well; while one of the bars had the lights switched off and wasn't serving, all the girls were sitting in there in the dark - Sabrina, Jenna D and Jade said hello to me - and Rob, and Steve the kit man, were there. But as soon as I saw Rob he said "You know the game's off, don't you?"

Welcome back to fucking British women's football. Rob explained that Salisbury had called the match off on Friday as they'd had a player break an ankle last week and didn't fancy taking us on without her, so had claimed they had several unfit players and couldn't raise a team. (And it wasn't the first day of the league season - that was last week, while we were engaged in Cup action.) Rob added bitterly that the league had fined Salisbury £20. I said I thought either they should have had points deducted or the match been awarded to Havant, a view that found several sympathisers. Rob said that today they'd be having a practice game between last week's starting 11 and the rest of the squad.

While I now wished I'd phoned Lisa this morning, and stayed at home to watch the repeat of The X Factor, having hauled my arse all the way to Havant I figured I might as well stay and watch the practice kick-about rather than just turn straight for home. In any case, if I stayed it'd confirm my True Fan credentials. Just before the game I met Lisa; she apologised for my not having been told about the postponement, but said no-one had had my number. I promptly gave her it.

Trevor was in the stand; he said the league had the power to impose points deductions in these situations, but that they had a policy of not doing so before Christmas. I sat and watched a completely meaningless game unfold, that only came to life after half-time. The Rest opened the scoring, but the first-choice XI soon took command and ran out 3-1 winners. The Rest had a rather unladylike keeper; as soon as she he opened her his mouth the truth was confirmed - it was a bloke called Olly.

At the final whistle, although the game hadn't been a draw, the club volunteer who was refereeing called for a penalty shoot-out. I thought it was unfair that Olly was allowed to remain in goal for The Rest; I thought both sides' kickers should have shot at Louise, although people might have argued that the first-choicers had just put three past Olly in open play. Nonetheless, he was the hero of the shoot-out, saving twice. The Rest didn't miss any, so when they scored their fourth penalty that should have ended the shoot-out, but they carried on until each side had taken five each anyway. That to me summed up the utterly wasted afternoon perfectly.

I said my goodbyes - everyone was looking forward to next week's FA Cup tie at Newbury, but I have to go to Fareham Civic Service with Madam Mayor - and slunk back to the station.

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