Out there I feel sad not to see her no more

I got to see the Guillermo del Toro Frankenstein tonight, and it was great. Not only did I enjoy it, I was also relieved because I was expecting more body horror and, after his Pinocchio left me emotionally devastated, more of that too. Luckily I found both much more manageable than I had feared! Not to demean it with faint praise, just to note that I'm surprised by how much I enjoyed it.

Sadly V wasn't able to come along with us tonight, but I'm already looking forward to the excuse this gives us to watch it on streaming in a couple weeks.

I got up early and went to the gym and then basically went right to the Springsteen movie, and now I feel physically and emotionally amazing but by 2pm on Saturday I'd done everything that I had planned for the weekend and it's a weird feeling!

I went to the gym after dinner tonight.

Not only did I get through work (I forgot to re-set my normal alarm after not needing it yesterday and woke up eight minutes before my first meeting, oops). Not only did I get a flu shot (I was very brave). Not only did I make dinner even though I was exhausted (I made the broccoli and halloumi thing because D really likes it and he's had A Bad Day at work).

But even after all that, I still was awake and energetic enough to go to the gym. And I even walked both ways (waiting for the bus would have taken a lot longer).

I didn't make it at all last week, and after losing the first two days of this week to the stupid away day, I wouldn't have blamed myself if I wasn't up for it now. But, surprisingly, I just about was.

Which is great. I was despairing that the whole winter might be like last week was, where I'd just work and sleep, or fail to sleep, and that's no kind of life. Especially when work is making you miserable like mine is.

I was an hour late for the away day, thanks to a combination of my own doofusness and regular transport hell. And this was so stressful for me because I knew an hour in that I was gonna be involved in the agenda item.

But of course it turned out not to matter because nothing ever gets done on an away day. I mostly think I'm pretty extroverted and neurotypical in this regard but since covid I'm like "...does any of this justify the increased chances of contracting a deadly and disabling illness?" and of course few things are.

One thing that would feel worth it for me is to have someone here to rub my feet. I just got back to my hotel room after wandering around, sometimes with my colleagues, finding food and trying to be normal enough.

The planned afternoon session couldn't happen and so we just carried on with more of my topic from the morning. It was hard work and stressful, and I'm not sure if much good came out of it.

I don't want to sound miserable; I did have a nice evening because I spent it with my favorite team member K, her support worker who's great company and who's also very kindly willing to help me out if I tag along with the two of them, and her friend W who I hadn't met in person before.

I kinda wish I had a support worker, not for every day but for trips like this. But I don't know anyone feasible and I don't want to deal with Access to Work so. This is the lesser evil. But it is nice to be able to borrow K's support worker on team events. And I met W's support worker today too who's also great.

My heart is warmed by the photos from protests: the huge crowds in big cities, the animal costumes, the clever signs, but especially the groups in small towns. I really wish I could have been there with them.

But instead I've had a quiet day, conscious that tomorrow D and I'll be Being Boring at bussed-in fash again who are trying to intimidate my neighbors, and then going to see New Model Army.

A couple weeks after Gary died, back when I still looked at Facebook (I gave it up early this year), I got a Facebook ad for Borrow My Doggy. I told V it's like tinder for dogs) and they were like "oh that might be a good idea actually" so I've signed up.

Filling in the profile was kinda funny: since I was doing it on behalf of all of us, I felt like I was saying "hey, my metamour and our boyfriend and I saw you from across the dog park and we like your vibe..."

Like I understand dating apps for humans to work, results have varied. One person ghosted on us once we got to the details of where we live and stuff, one person's timing wasn't good (my professed ability to host was stymied by the request coming only a couple weeks after Mr. Smith joined the household which was deemed too much for the little blind cat so soon after his second move this year).

Someone great got in touch -- a couple that were moving to the area and both they and their dogs needed friends; they described the dogs as possibly a little bit of a handful but it sounded like, uh, a walk in the park after the intensity we'd gone through in the last couple years of being Gary's humans. Still I much prefer owners who go "my dog(s) can be a lot, it's fine if you don't want that inflicted on you!" and it ends up feeling like a little bit of an exaggeration...rather than vice versa: the ones who tell you "my dog is so perfect and he's never misbehaved" and then the dog is an ill-trained nightmare.

I assured them that we'd be there whenever they'd gotten moved and settled in and whatnot. And then I didn't hear for a few months and I forgot. Until the other day, the person got back in touch full of apologies for how long it had taken. Which is fine of course, we're still here and life is a lot and I was still delighted to meet her and her dogs.

And we arranged a date! Today after work V and I met her and her dogs at the park nearest us and it was brilliant. The dogs, standard wire-haired dachshunds Rufus and Coco, were so fun and their human was full of the kind of details I'd have offered so of course I think this is what conscientious owners should do, heh: how to manage their weaknesses (they get very excited about squirrels) and enjoy their strengths (Rufus loves everyone and he also loves treats). Coco isn't allowed off-lead right now because of recent Naughtiness; Rufus is better from an operation on his spine but not as spritely as he was before. She and her partner haven't been going out a lot since they moved here because they don't like to leave the dogs on their own for that long even though she knows the dogs are fine and I could tell her I was exactly the same with Gary. (There was a lot of "we were like that with Gary" -- but not as much as there was "oh Gary was way worse.")

We had a great time, and I'm sad D wasn't well enough to join us but I want there to be more visits. It made my heart feel full in a way I haven't been able to access in the last ten months. Dogs are so good.

By the time we got home, I already had a new message:

Hey thanks so much for coming to meet us. You were a big hit! Just message me if you want to meet again. As I said though, no pressure whatsoever.

Bless her, we were so effusive with praise for her and both dogs, and she's still like "it's fine if you cannot face these nightmares again."

Do I want to do a masters in disability studies or do I just want an institutional login and a reading list.

I think this a lot, but I was inspired to think it today because I had a fun conversation with a friendly acquaintance who is also disabled and has a much more academic background than me and it was just so nice to have a conversation about disability that's not 101-level all the time because it was with another disabled person. We talked about lived experience vs. adjacent experience (like having a disabled immediate family member), the social model of transness, diagnosis overshadowing... It was so good for me.

I work for one of the big disability charities which is on the toddler side of that "talking about gender with cis people" meme that I also think applies to any area of marginalization (I am honored to sometimes get to quietly observe the conversations black and brown people have among themselves about race and racism). Of course my household and my friend circle is full of crips and queers but I spend so much time at work and most of the rest of it thinking about work lately that I forget how good it is to have a break from that 101-level stuff.