(no subject)

To The Lights in Andover last night for the Mayor of Test Valley's Masked Ball. My mother had promised to organise the masks for both of us, then proceeded to leave doing anything about it until the very last minute. She never got round to visiting a costume hire shop so, with an hour to go until our pick-up, had decided to make them and bought some silver cardboard and some felt from The Range. Even then, with getting ready to go out she didn't have time to make the masks before we left. So there we are travelling in the Mayoral car, with me ma cutting masks out of card and felt on the back seat.

She'd had the idea of sticking my mask to my specs - until we realised that she hadn't brought any sellotape, Velcro or anything sticky. In desperation she turned to cutting little strips from the plastic label attached to the piece of felt, only to find they completely failed to hold. I was faced with having to hold my mask in place by hand, until Pete the driver produced a couple of safety pins, and we used those as hooks on the mask to slip the side-bars of my specs through.

In the foyer waitresses constantly walked around offering canapes, mostly chicken-based and all delicious. The first people we met were Katrina, Deputy Mayor of Fareham, and her husband Peter. Katrina asked me "Did you enjoy the Fareham and Gosport Gang Show last night?" When I told my mother, she was incensed - "It's the Gosport Gang Show," she told Peter firmly. Peter told me about another Terry Pratchett play his theatre company'd be doing in June, but he wouldn't be able to appear as he'll be busy being Mayor's Consort - he always plays Commander Vines, so this year they're doing one that Commander Vines isn't in! He added that he is in 'The Farndale Avenue Housing Estate Townswomen's Guild Dramatic Society and their Production of "Murder at Checkmate Manor"' at HMS Collingwood in a fortnight's time; I said I might come.

We met Tony and Margaret from Basingstoke; Tony's mask was shaped a bit like the Batman logo, so I said "It's Batman!" Tony groaned, and took the mask off moaning.

As we took our seats at the tables, a children's choir entertained us with a few very well-sung songs before dinner. I keep saying it about so many of our civic functions, but it has to be said, the food really was splendid. While I'm not the world's greatest fish lover, the trout mousse for starter was very tasty. When we were served our main course, fillet of beef, Marian from Eastleigh, next to me, turned to me and said "We ordered chicken." That surprised me as on the way there I'd seen a copy of the pro-forma we'd had to fill in months ago, and we didn't get a choice of food, just were asked to specify any dietary requirements. Marian swore blind they'd had a choice, so I said "Maybe so few people chose chicken that they decided not to bother." Absolutely no complaints about the beef, though - simply delicious, in a Stilton sauce with perfect new potatoes, and veg. After main course was over, there was a bit of an interval, so we wandered over to say hello to Sue from Winchester who was bowled over by my mother calling her 'a beautiful young lady'; she said "Keep saying 'young'!" (She is in fact drawing her pension, but she truly is beautiful.) Tony and Margaret were next to her, so Tony and I got into a discussion on music - he was looking forward to pogoing on the dance floor later, but he's really more into soul than punk - then he and my mother talked about civic events they've hosted over the year. Me ma asked Tony about his bonfire; the conversation soon got round to the VIP food tent, so I observed "I had to give a thumbs up to the VIP tent, they had my favourite beers, Shepherd Neame."

"See, I knew you were coming so got them in!" Tony laughed, and added "You're a devoted alcoholic like me."

Sue put her mask on. "Very fetching," I told her, and asked if she'd seen Tony with his on. She said she hadn't. "Is there any reason he's not wearing it?"

"I think my calling him Batman was the last straw."

Sue guffawed. "You're horrid."

Maria, being hostess, circulated round the room between courses, and paid a couple of visits to our table. We also met her and Jim's son Peter, who's head of an autism charity - he has an autistic child - which Jim's naturally chosen as one of his Mayoral charities. Sweet was 'A Trio of Desserts' - a chocolate praline confection, some lovely lime mousse and a strawberry cream tartlet. After coffee came toasts (the man speaking for the guests ended by proposing an impromptu toast 'To Jim and Maria'; Jim responded with a toast 'To the ladies'). After that came an auction. Halfway through, Brian from East Hants asked me "Why haven't you bought anything for your mother?"

"Because I'm broke."

The evening ended with an hour of music from The Army Air Corps Dance Band. As soon as they launched into their first song, Holding Out For A Hero, Margaret from Basingstoke came up to our table and exhorted us all to get up and dance. Most of the table, including my mother, did. My bum stayed firmly in my seat. Seconds later, though, Sue tapped me on the shoulder. "You thought you'd got away with it." She extended her arm. Well, she and I do have a special relationship, so I allowed her to lead me onto the floor. I stayed dancing all the while Sue did, then when she went out to the terrace for a fag break I resumed my seat. I mostly sat listening to the music; I occasionally hit the floor if a song I liked was on. At one point I popped out onto the terrace for a quick chat with Sue. Maria got me back on the floor, with a group of chain-gangers, for Night Fever and YMCA, then she rounded up a group of us to have a photo taken with our masks on. Then it was back on the dancefloor for the big finale - Amarillo. My mother waved several of us, one at a time, into the middle of our circle to take turns doing the Peter Kay walk in the middle.

By now it was turned midnight. We all said our goodbyes and wended our way home.

(no subject)

Over to Havant this afternoon for the girls' game with Christchurch. In the bar, as I was talking to Sam, Lisa Cooper and the two Jennas over a pre-match Magners, the girls at the next table launched into Happy Birthday To You. Of course I asked whose birthday it was; it was Jodie's, but, alas, Rob appeared and rushed all the girls off to the dressing rooms before I got to talk to her.

When the girls began emerging from the tunnel, several of them were berating Louise (who was laughing like a drain) for leaving a foul smell in the changing room toilet! "Louise, that's violent!" "That's evil." "We're going to stick an air freshener up your arse, Lou." I did spot Jodie as she went by, and said Happy Birthday to her.

After I'd bought a burger just before kick-off, Trevor asked me to do him a favour and lend him £2 - he'd ordered food from the tea hut and been served, then realised he'd left his money in the clubhouse. Of course, always keen to help, I agreed - then realised I'd left myself just 30p. Trev said he'd pay me back after the game; as I knew I'd be heading off to the station at the final whistle (the 4.20 train was the last for over half an hour, and there were wretched replacement buses only between Fratton and Portsmouth) I made a mental note to ask one of my fellow fans for a loan of 70p for a half-time Coke and get Trev to settle up with them post-match.

Ollie and Trevor were expecting big returns from this game, as Christchurch are one of the league's weaker teams, were fielding several fringe players and had just the bare 11 - no subs. It was over a quarter of an hour before Jenna F netted our first, but that opened the floodgates and Hawks went in at half-time leading 6-0. When Jenna F scored her second, I shouted "Nice one, Eskimo Jen," but Trevor had an alternative nickname for her : "The Body". "That girl has a fantastic body," he added to me. "Splendid legs." Aly observed that if she said something similar at a men's match she'd be ridiculed or slated for it. Towards the end of the first half someone handed Trevor a few quid, so at half-time I asked him for 70p; he was able to give me the whole £2. Alas, the tea hut was closed anyway. (A tea hut closing before half-time??)

As the game resumed after the break, Ollie said he'd set the girls the target of six goals within half an hour. (With Portsmouth University pushing us all the way, goal difference could end up deciding the league, so it was vital we scored as many as possible.) Christchurch gave their goalie a break by putting her at striker for the second half and sticking an outfielder in goal. As the goals rained in, Ollie kept updating Jade (as left-back, she was nearest to us) on how many more they had to get, within how many more minutes. They reached the magic figure, making the overall score 12-0, with two and a half minutes of the half-hour to spare - to my delight, Jodie scored the 12th. The girls had scored 13 goals in a previous game, so when sub Chantelle made it 13, Ollie called out to Jade "One more for the record." Fittingly, in the dying minutes of the game it was Jade herself who notched our record-breaking 14th.

We'd kicked off a quarter-hour behind schedule, so the game ended on the stroke of 4 pm. With the heat and lack of cold drink, my walk back to the station was at a slower, more leisurely pace, so I had to sprint down the last stretch of road before the station, and up, across and down the station bridge, to make my train.

Got a cold Pepsi at the 24-hour snack window at the Hard.