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Up at silly o'clock to travel to London for the inter-office sports day, for which, several months ago, I volunteered to be a Kwik cricket umpire. Maybe I thought it would be fun, maybe I was keen to help out, maybe it was a moment of madness. Probably all three.
Getting off the train at Barnes Bridge a whole horde of kitted-out sportspeople were heading the same way as me. One of them had a Portsmouth shirt on, so I asked if he was based at the same office as me but he was actually a native Pomponian who now lived and worked in London.
I'd had the impression Kwik cricket started at 11 am, so arrived at the sports grounds at about 10.30 only to find the tournament had begun at 10. No matter, my umpiring services were still welcomed by Kwik cricket organiser Andy and I was assigned my first match at 10.45.
Kwik cricket is played with plastic bats, balls and wickets - our sets were branded 'ASDA'. There are six players a side, and each of three batting pairs faces two overs with everyone bowling one over and keeping wicket for one over. If you're out you lose five runs, but still bat your two overs out with your partner. The wicket is normal length but the outfield is smaller, and there is no lbw and no boundaries - you run as many as you can.
The first game I got was a very friendly affair, as was the second - mostly. I say 'mostly', as there was one guy who treated it with the intensity of a Test Match, including arguing vehemently when I didn't call a ball that he considered a wide. His team won, and he did say sorry at the end, explaining that he was "a cricket enthusiast". All four teams in my first two games were mixed, and I naturally noticed that one of the 'cricket enthusiast''s team-mates was a young lady called Aisleyne. (No, it wasn't that one; this girl was about a foot shorter than her and looked nothing like her. Nice lass, though.)
My third game was a nightmare. Players from both teams constantly argued with my decisions and tried to browbeat me into changing my mind, and things were not helped when one bowler ran the non-striker out backing up when about to deliver the ball. The unwritten code of gentlemanly conduct in cricket is to warn the batsman the first time he's doing this, then you can run him out if he does it a second time. The other team then tried to ignore my ruling that the fielders should observe clockwise rotation for bowling and wicket-keeping order, as we'd been doing all morning in my games since the first fielding side in my first game did it and I thought I remembered seeing that in the rules I'd been emailed. By the end I was convinced I was going to get lynched. As it was, the margin of victory was such that none of my disputed decisions would have affected who won, and the winning side were magnanimous enough to help me cart the stumps back over to Andy.
The guys on the losing side marched off sharpish in high dudgeon, but two hours later two of them, finding themselves next to me at the bar, said "Hope your later matches have been less stressful than ours", and talked to me a bit about the day's cricket and one of them bought me a Bulmers.
I think it's significant that in that third game both teams were all male. In the previous two, I believe the men players were more inclined to behave themselves with ladies present.
The fourth game, between mixed teams, was more easy-going, and the losing side stopped me for a chat as I made my way to the bar. "We were unlucky, weren't we?" said one, and I generously agreed they maybe hadn't quite had the run of the green. We compared notes about which offices we work in, and one of them, seeing my HWFC jacket, asked if I'd been to Liverpool. I confirmed yes, but he was a little weirded out when I added that I watch the Hawks home and away.
We umpires received £10 worth of meal vouchers valid at the refreshment tent. Unfortunately, come 12 noon, whenever I made my way over to the tent after a game ended, the queue was a mile long and my chances of getting served before I was due at my next game were obviously nil. So I got by on Pepsis with ice from the bar (though they only took cash). I would have sat out the 1.45 games if I still hadn't got lunch by then, but I was lucky. My 1 pm game wasn't played as one team were busy playing in the football tournament, so all I had to do was hang around until 1.10 then declare a walkover for the team who'd turned up.
From the quarter-finals we umpired in pairs, which was much easier. In my QF I officiated with a girl called Victoria, who'd done it last year. She knew what she was doing and we had a great rapport. That game was won by an all-Asian team called Moving Off Stump whom, I thought immediately, would probably go on and win the whole thing. They were solid if not spectacular run-getters, but their strength lay in their ability to get lots of outs. Indeed, from the standard starting total of 100 their opponents ended up with a score of 70!
Victoria and I agreed we'd like to umpire together again, but it wasn't to be. Andy chose me to umpire the final, as I'd travelled the furthest, together with a guy called Chris who'd been due to umpire last year's final but somehow dipped out, so Victoria was assigned one of the semis with another bloke while I got a rest break.
One of the teams from the all-arguing game reached the final against Moving Off Stump, but they were in a much calmer mood this time - they just argued about whether the occasional ball was a wide or not. I checked with Andy about the bowling order thing, and he said the only actual rules were that everyone has to bowl one over and everyone keep wicket for one over. Whoops. I clarified that to both captains before the final started. The arguing team's captain decided to play rotation anyway, then when they batted, and Moving Off Stump didn't rotate, one of the batsmen called to me "I thought they weren't allowed to do that" but I just replied that I'd told his team captain the true rule before this match started.
It was one hell of a game. Moving Off Stump made only 120, but I still had a feeling they'd win because of their strength in getting wickets. The other lot pushed them all the way, though, and needed six to win off the last two balls. With both those last two balls, though, the batsmen were clean bowled, and Moving Off Stump erupted in celebration like they'd won the Cricket World Cup.
The players from both teams shook mine and Chris's hands and thanked us, Andy thanked me and all the others for our help, and there was just time for a cold cider in the bar before making my way to the station with a horde of other participants to cram onto a crowded train to Waterloo, then cram onto another crowded train to Portsmouth.
On the ferry back to Gosport Katie from Hawks Ladies came over and sat next to me. She'd been to see the film of Mamma Mia with a group of other girls from Fort Blockhouse. She was off home to Edinburgh on four weeks' leave tomorrow so asked me to give her love to all the Hawk girls when I see them next.
Getting off the train at Barnes Bridge a whole horde of kitted-out sportspeople were heading the same way as me. One of them had a Portsmouth shirt on, so I asked if he was based at the same office as me but he was actually a native Pomponian who now lived and worked in London.
I'd had the impression Kwik cricket started at 11 am, so arrived at the sports grounds at about 10.30 only to find the tournament had begun at 10. No matter, my umpiring services were still welcomed by Kwik cricket organiser Andy and I was assigned my first match at 10.45.
Kwik cricket is played with plastic bats, balls and wickets - our sets were branded 'ASDA'. There are six players a side, and each of three batting pairs faces two overs with everyone bowling one over and keeping wicket for one over. If you're out you lose five runs, but still bat your two overs out with your partner. The wicket is normal length but the outfield is smaller, and there is no lbw and no boundaries - you run as many as you can.
The first game I got was a very friendly affair, as was the second - mostly. I say 'mostly', as there was one guy who treated it with the intensity of a Test Match, including arguing vehemently when I didn't call a ball that he considered a wide. His team won, and he did say sorry at the end, explaining that he was "a cricket enthusiast". All four teams in my first two games were mixed, and I naturally noticed that one of the 'cricket enthusiast''s team-mates was a young lady called Aisleyne. (No, it wasn't that one; this girl was about a foot shorter than her and looked nothing like her. Nice lass, though.)
My third game was a nightmare. Players from both teams constantly argued with my decisions and tried to browbeat me into changing my mind, and things were not helped when one bowler ran the non-striker out backing up when about to deliver the ball. The unwritten code of gentlemanly conduct in cricket is to warn the batsman the first time he's doing this, then you can run him out if he does it a second time. The other team then tried to ignore my ruling that the fielders should observe clockwise rotation for bowling and wicket-keeping order, as we'd been doing all morning in my games since the first fielding side in my first game did it and I thought I remembered seeing that in the rules I'd been emailed. By the end I was convinced I was going to get lynched. As it was, the margin of victory was such that none of my disputed decisions would have affected who won, and the winning side were magnanimous enough to help me cart the stumps back over to Andy.
The guys on the losing side marched off sharpish in high dudgeon, but two hours later two of them, finding themselves next to me at the bar, said "Hope your later matches have been less stressful than ours", and talked to me a bit about the day's cricket and one of them bought me a Bulmers.
I think it's significant that in that third game both teams were all male. In the previous two, I believe the men players were more inclined to behave themselves with ladies present.
The fourth game, between mixed teams, was more easy-going, and the losing side stopped me for a chat as I made my way to the bar. "We were unlucky, weren't we?" said one, and I generously agreed they maybe hadn't quite had the run of the green. We compared notes about which offices we work in, and one of them, seeing my HWFC jacket, asked if I'd been to Liverpool. I confirmed yes, but he was a little weirded out when I added that I watch the Hawks home and away.
We umpires received £10 worth of meal vouchers valid at the refreshment tent. Unfortunately, come 12 noon, whenever I made my way over to the tent after a game ended, the queue was a mile long and my chances of getting served before I was due at my next game were obviously nil. So I got by on Pepsis with ice from the bar (though they only took cash). I would have sat out the 1.45 games if I still hadn't got lunch by then, but I was lucky. My 1 pm game wasn't played as one team were busy playing in the football tournament, so all I had to do was hang around until 1.10 then declare a walkover for the team who'd turned up.
From the quarter-finals we umpired in pairs, which was much easier. In my QF I officiated with a girl called Victoria, who'd done it last year. She knew what she was doing and we had a great rapport. That game was won by an all-Asian team called Moving Off Stump whom, I thought immediately, would probably go on and win the whole thing. They were solid if not spectacular run-getters, but their strength lay in their ability to get lots of outs. Indeed, from the standard starting total of 100 their opponents ended up with a score of 70!
Victoria and I agreed we'd like to umpire together again, but it wasn't to be. Andy chose me to umpire the final, as I'd travelled the furthest, together with a guy called Chris who'd been due to umpire last year's final but somehow dipped out, so Victoria was assigned one of the semis with another bloke while I got a rest break.
One of the teams from the all-arguing game reached the final against Moving Off Stump, but they were in a much calmer mood this time - they just argued about whether the occasional ball was a wide or not. I checked with Andy about the bowling order thing, and he said the only actual rules were that everyone has to bowl one over and everyone keep wicket for one over. Whoops. I clarified that to both captains before the final started. The arguing team's captain decided to play rotation anyway, then when they batted, and Moving Off Stump didn't rotate, one of the batsmen called to me "I thought they weren't allowed to do that" but I just replied that I'd told his team captain the true rule before this match started.
It was one hell of a game. Moving Off Stump made only 120, but I still had a feeling they'd win because of their strength in getting wickets. The other lot pushed them all the way, though, and needed six to win off the last two balls. With both those last two balls, though, the batsmen were clean bowled, and Moving Off Stump erupted in celebration like they'd won the Cricket World Cup.
The players from both teams shook mine and Chris's hands and thanked us, Andy thanked me and all the others for our help, and there was just time for a cold cider in the bar before making my way to the station with a horde of other participants to cram onto a crowded train to Waterloo, then cram onto another crowded train to Portsmouth.
On the ferry back to Gosport Katie from Hawks Ladies came over and sat next to me. She'd been to see the film of Mamma Mia with a group of other girls from Fort Blockhouse. She was off home to Edinburgh on four weeks' leave tomorrow so asked me to give her love to all the Hawk girls when I see them next.
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I remember one game in my glorious season playing for Stowmarket 2nd and 3rd XI. I hadn't been picked for a 3rd XI game, so volunteered to umpire. I was fine until right at the end of our captain's bowling spell, when I let what was probably a legside wide go. I told him "I'll give you that one", but the next ball was probably just not an offside wide, but I gave it as one any way. The look of thunder I got as he stormed back to his mark didn't inspire confidence, but he thanked me for coming down after the match, and picked me the following week, just showing these things swing both ways. To be fair, one bowler from the opposition had a similar experience from me in one over, only involving a marginal no-ball decision.
It's easier when you're umpiring in lower league cricket as you'll usually be a member of the batting side. As such, you know the umpiring will be pretty even, especially if your side is batting first!
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